Truth
Tuesday, March 18, 2008 @ 12:06 AM
I really cannot stand myself, seriously.
And I think I suffer from anti-socialism. Maybe.
It's nothing to do with mood swings, or whatsoever. Perhaps I'm being over-sensitive, again. But I can't help it. Every morning, I open my eyes, awaiting a brighter beginning, and everything turns out wrong. Nothing seems to ever go smoothly. The sense of security I thought I had is constantly being doubted. Over and over again, like a vicious cycle. I hate these feelings of emptiness, these moments of loneliness. Sometimes, I feel like I don't like me no more.
Irony. It's weird how we do things for the purpose of pleasing others. I see everyone outspoken and unconvincingly 'high', then I wonder if it's really who they are. I know behind those deceptive masks hide their true selves. Everything suddenly becomes a lie. All the joy, happiness and laughter; they ain't true. Why is everyone putting that false front?! I don't understand what's going on no more, because they're a facade. Surreal? Artificial? Fake? There doesn't seem to be any suitable word to describe what I'm seeing with my eyes. Why do people deceive themselves and forget the real them? I'm sick and tired of putting on a mask every single day, putting on that smile and laughing my way through when I'm actually crying inside. Yes, it makes another's day, but I know I'm not happy at all. This routine is far too tiring for me to sustain. One day the feelings that I've accumulated would eventually overflow and that's when I'll break down. I don't want to wait for that day to come; I want to remove my mask. Now. I want to be me. The one and only me. Cause' everything has a limit. And that's the point where nothing can be salvaged. No, I don't wanna wait no more.
I want Valencia back. I want me back. I. Want. Truth.
I thought I've recharged myself during the holidays. But I realize I'm getting more drained. Day by day. Is it all worth it? I'm exhausted, yet everything seems to go back to square one the next day. I'm beat. Witnessing all my efforts going down the drain- wasted. I'm not gonna spend my time doing useless things to satisfy others perception of me. I'm going to be who I really am. I can't afford to continue my mistake.
Afterall, I'm only human.