& these are not rants.
Friday, July 02, 2010 @ 1:46 PM
Sighs. The month of June this year has been filled with much troubles, worries, problems and regrets. JCTs had just been over for 3hours, yet the relief and joy that I was supposed to feel is not coming to me. Double S has been fretting over their contract problems and now plagued with possibilities that they are going to disband. I've tried to ignore those rumours for the past 30 days; I knew I had to and wanted to believe in them, I saw them shed tears for their fans and the band, I needed to give them all the support and faith that I could. But now the problem of disbanding has become so apparent and DSP has finally shown their heartless side. I know Double S will always stay together, 5 together forever united as 1. We've just got to wait. Now that Hyunjoong is with Key East, I just hope that either the rest manages to sign on to that company or find a better company to join. I have confidence that they'll continue carrying out majority of their activities as a group. Their brotherhood has, across the five years, grown and developed so strongly and that not only united them as a group, but bonded us to them. I have ultimate trust that all these problems would vanish soon and our beloved SS501 can revert back to their amazing and inspiring selfs, as five. Just 2 days ago, ParkYongHa had left the world, leaving everyone aggrieved and overwhelmed with an indescribable sadness. Junie and Kibum looked really depressed at his wake. But I'm as helpless as anyone could possible get. My JCT papers are incredibly screwed up, and I feel inclined to the stage where I would not even be able to pass TJ's standards for not being exempted from further extra-curricular activities and also YOG. Life has hit rock-bottom for every of my loved ones this month, and there's nothing I can do. Tears, are they worth it? Can everything can any worse? I just need some consolation, I want my SS501 to be free of unnecessary troubles, I want the good to remain in this universe. But wants and desires, everyone has. And usually it takes the impossible to have them land at your doorstep. And finally you realize, it's actually not how much you fight for them, how much you're willing to sacrifice for them or how much you really want to achieve them; because life's this imperfect and deadly void filled with spikes and ridges to stop you from getting them at all costs. Where is the hope that we were once promised? Maybe all these, these dreams, goals and fascinations, they are all just a lie to make ourselves more consoled with the shit that drowns and suffocates us.
Exhaustion. Is it a feeling, or is it Life.