Just wanted to take a little time to document how important being 18 years old to me was and how empty I feel right now to be finally truly enjoying the last moments till my 18th year cycle of life comes to an end.. I'm not too sure why, but being 18 has such special meaning and importance to me. I guess it is the year that I experienced most changes in my life (or maybe the more impactful and unforgettable ones), and had major transitions which served to be turbulence, awakening or enlightenment of some sort. I guess as 18 years of my life has nearly come to a close I feel a more than greater sense of the process of maturing. It seems as if I have hit a stage where a quarter of my life has been concluded, and I'm left with the remaining three quarters. Everything just flew by and in a flash, I'm already 18 and in a matter of minutes, 19. This really forces me to reflect if all my life till now I have lived life without a meaning, or a greater purpose. Am I really just one out of the many billions of other individuals out there, hoping to live an outstanding and lavish life, but making no true impact or difference in the world. Like somewhere else I have heard before, "I am just a sesame seed in comparison to other things". Now that the clock is ticking down, I'm not too certain if I should be feeling some sort of excitement or joy that my birthday is coming, but instead, all I'm feeling is fear and trepidation, all the intimidation and worries of the future that's coming. These fears engulf any inkling of anticipation I would expect I should have. But since when.. Since when have I become so afraid of the future? I think as I grow it seems like every single thing worries the crap out of me. My past, the present, the near future, and the further future. Every single moment I am frightened by my inadequacy, my inability to think quickly and accurately like everyone else, the path my future leads me to. Each time I believe that I can overcome my problems, I seem to end up messing up and all that's left is disappointment and further stress on how I am supposed to salvage my situation in the coming future. I really feel so breathless and this close to slipping into hyperventilation. And so many emotions running through me, not only regarding academics and career issues. The longing to have someone to lean on, to listen to me, to let me know that I am special, to let me know that he wants to hear and pull through these problems and overcome these hurdles with me, to encourage me and to lend me never-ending support in whatever I do. Someone I feel comfortable with, someone I like, someone I yearn to see and talk to not only when I am in need or frustration. Things always don't seem to be going my way. It never has... All my dreams and loves. Why do they fly away and shoot me straight in the face to tell me that they are never going to be mine??.. when all I really want is to be with them, have them and love them like I truly and deeply and madly do. Please stop playing with my feelings.. I know myself that it is difficult and extremely rare for me to realize and decide that I like something/someone truly without letting that fickle-mindedness of mine to stand in the way, but why is it that everytime I'm determined and sure of my feelings everything ends up turning out the wrong way?! I really.. I need a time-out. Sometimes I just want certainty and predictability.., is that all so wrong? I just want to know what lies ahead, what to expect and to be able to go through it smoothly.. There's been far too many obstacles. I just want to be happy.. I hate looking back and thinking how and what I should have done to change the present, and regretting the things I've done in the past which I'd thought would render some aspects of the present different from what actually actualized. But this happens. And it happens ALL THE TIME and I get soooooo annoyed with myself, with how things cannot be controlled the way I'd envisaged,  that certain things just don't respond the way you'd completely grasped would respond. 

I can't believe my last moments of my beloved 18th year of existence is filled with so much worries, exasperation and helplessness. Please, help me be a better person. Help me grow to cope with all these. Help me, better still, to avoid the occurence of these issues and resolve them quickly and easily. (Who am I kidding..) I'm just a kid. And I need more than what I can give now. Please help me look forward to my 19th with excitement and happiness. I'm left with 37 more minutes. I want to be happy.

Happy Last Moments of 18, Valencia. --> :) ? Please?