Why do you feel this way for him?

It's those times when you try to be strong, and nonchalant, and completely unconcerned about that person, and how you feel about that person. But somehow the image of him always creeps into your mind. Not so much about how perfect, or how many flaws he has, but all the things he does and has done.. the things that make you feel so heartened and warm. Those things he do he didn't do them for you, yet that's what makes your heart flutter. His kind and compassionate nature, his soft heart, his beautiful mind.

All around you are people that make you laugh, happy and thankful. But no one has ever captured your heart the way he does. In the past you never noticed him for he was just one of the people in the crowd. But that particular event, that one certain moment, something suddenly clicked and all these feelings start to engulf you. You wonder why, because you had never felt like there was anyone so similar to you. It's as if every part of you, your likes and desires are replicated and found on him. Your love for tea, your commitment to exercise, your taste in styles and products, your interest in football and your dedication to volunteer work.. Why does it seem that everything you value and treasure can be so identically experienced by that someone? Suddenly, everything you observe about him becomes a realization, about how wonderful a guy he is and how shockingly similar you both are. You did not mean for these feelings of affection and desire to develop - afterall, you were not the least bit interested at the beginning.

You find yourself perusing through his Facebook profile, scouring your timeline and getting all excited when you spot his updates, getting all panicky but warm and fuzzy when he 'like's your status updates or photos. But when you are right in front of him, in his actual presence, you start to retreat. You cannot bring yourself to behave normally towards this person. It's like a certain kind of embarrassment or fear of being turned away or having your feelings unreciprocated. You turn cold and unbothered whenever he's concerned, but deep inside you are dying to speak to him like a close friend, and screaming to embrace him like he's yours. Each time you break out of that frame of mind and attempt to joke around with him like he's just a normal cool guy friend like those you constantly hang out with, his response always seems unfavourable and the level of excitement and enthusiasm just doesn't seem to match up. You back away immediately again, because you don't want to appear desperate or interested. You tell yourself that he's obviously not interested, and you don't want to send wrong signals. But each time he expresses some form of niceness or interest in you, it's like your heart jumpstarts once again. You start remembering every detail of his face, hair, body, posture, strut, build.. and especially those eyes and smile, they make your heart gallop twice as fast. You can actually feel and hear your heart beating amidst all the noise and chaos. You remember why you started to admire him so much in the first place. But while you like him so much, nothing seems to be happening.

You know you are the more conservative kind of person. The people you like usually don't go after you because you drop no hints of interest at all. You don't want to turn someone off or get rejected. Yet this great guy in such close proximity to you, you don't want to miss this chance and let him slip away. You question yourself, "Are you sure you actually like this guy? Is he not just one of those crushes that will vanish from your mind sooner or later and it just takes some time for you to switch sides?". You try to convince yourself that he's not the right one for you anyway because of certain behavioral tendencies that you do not appreciate, such as his slight insensitivity to things you prioritize, or his lack of attention placed on you all these while. But then you remember how that spark that ignited in you a few months back was simply indescribable. It was completely one-of-a-kind. It's the kind of spark you know you have never ever experienced before and that everything about him is so special yet tailored to your utmost liking. He isn't perfect, definitely, but he's almost perfect - for you.

But why does he seem to be exceptionally cold towards you? He jokes with other girls, chats with them like any one of his friends and is warm and friendly in group conversations towards them. But when it comes to you, everything seems much more mild and distant. He isn't as jokey or comical, but more toned down and serious. You wonder if the problem lies with you - are you boring or just not attractive to him? You start to worry about what wrong there was in you, but cannot seem to find an answer. You'd appreciate it if he treated you like one of the others, so you can at least be one of his closer friends and understand him better as a person. But he never does it. It's just with him, and it's just so strange you get so indignant. You treat him like you treat any other guy, and the response is usually fine with the rest, just like how everyone gets along and enjoys each other's company. But with regard to him, he just doesn't react the same.

You think it's time to stop letting your feelings grow and strengthen; it's time to destroy them and let them sizzle away before you become obsessed to a point where there's no turning back. And that's when the heavens toy with you again. He sends you a message and strikes a conversation with you out of nowhere, for no reason! Your heart skips a beat, you blink, and you take a second look at the name of the contact. It's really him. You try to reply with less passion and excitement than what your heart was truly feeling, something that is more cold and calm, but he actually responds in an excited tone! You thought that things are finally changing, and begin replying with more warmth and smileys. Then his exclamation marks turn to fullstops. He ends the conversation abruptly and then, silence. What on earth is happening?! Was it something wrong you said again? Did you imply something not so pleasant? Or did you dis-attract him again?

It's times like these when you feel that the world is illogical. Nothing ever goes according to plan. What you least expect happens, and when it does happen, you hope for the best but the most undesirable outcome results. You wonder if it's time to re-operate "plan-to-stop-liking-him", but the thought of him and what just happened lingers stubbornly in your mind and you think of him once in a while (or many times in a while). You load your mind with plenty of reasons why he isn't suitable for you, or that you aren't suitable for him, but it all comes back in a round circle and you find yourself longing for him again.

You tell yourself to live the present and stop wandering into the realm of impossibilities and hopes. But deep inside, you seriously hope that something positive will happen to prove that you can love.., and that you will be loved.