I have left this space silent and untouched, musky and rusty for the entire summer. And for that, I feel extremely sorry. Not to anyone else but myself, ironically.

I have spent this whole vacation intending to pamper myself and make up the lost time to my family members as well as the household, but I ended up enslaving myself to school activities instead. Not too sure what I should feel regarding how I survived this summer, but these feelings are definitely conflicting. I definitely had my fill of travelling and conquering new dangers and clocking new experiences - a jetsetter or globetrotter or whatever makes me feel and sound majestic and different - but the other (more than) half of the holidays was overwhelmed by this thing called Float. Part of the school's annual Rag & Flag tradition. Half of me feels like I ought to be helping out and leading this properly, but the other half is constantly questioning its significance. The team is really great and awesome, but the people are unfortunately and have unexpectedly given me some problems that I struggle to deal with everyday. Attitudes, priorities, expectations, work ethics and styles... Everyone is different in their own ways and it is a misfortune that some people just cannot see eye to eye. Understanding each other's points of view is reasonable and doable. But getting along is another issue altogether when both aren't willing to abandon ship and accommodate another completely. I feel like I'm not making sense. But I know I am. Because this is in fact what I have undergone the past few days. The actual Rag performance is coming up in less than two days. I really just hope everything will turn out fine and that things do not continue to sour. I want to come out of this learning and becoming a better and more effective person and leader and to deal with problems with more confidence and initiative. There is never enough to learning. And I've got to thank a new good friend I've made today for reminding me how important it is to always think of how to improve myself as a person whenever I am faced with a difficulty or dispute. Go. Go. Go. Fight on, self!

Apart from the moody stuff, I'm glad that I have taken up more roles in other areas of law and law school in general. This vacation I was (minimally though) a Storyline Committee member and Councillor for the Freshmen Orientation Camp, replacement Orientation Group Leader for the NUS-SMU Collaboration Event (which was really rewarding for me being a first-time OGL), Stationmaster for Matriculation Week War Games and Morning Games. More significantly for me, I took up the opportunity to involve myself in a Criminal Law(net) search engine that will hopefully revolutionalize the case-search experience, and I also signed up to be a member of the Innocence Project (and really hope to get a case on hand soon!). In the meantime I also hope I had been a good friend, helping my younger friends and childhood friends with General Paper for the upcoming A levels. Meeting up with long lost last-seen-half-a-year-ago friends and tutors and reminiscing while rebuilding new memories were such beautiful things to invest in this holiday. The only thing I kind of regret not having done was to spend more time with my family. While I felt that I owed my friends and duties/commitments/obligations time and effort, I forgot that this debt also applied to my family... Everyday after having a fun day's out I return home exhausted and too lazy to talk or tidy up the house, and become the victim of constant scoldings and naggings. But I know I actually deserve it. I really haven't been home much. At all. Haven't had a decent meal at home for probably a month already. Came to a point where home is just a place to sleep. That really shouldn't be the case. I shall make it a point to change this. I have less than a week of vacation to prove myself right.

A fresh new academic year is beginning. I need to stop going to school before school starts. I hate going through emotional fluctuations. So erratic. So moody. So irrational. So strange. I'm eccentric. I hate it.

But I shall put on a smile and disguise it, because nobody really knows how conflicted I feel inside. People keep grinding me no what's wrong, but I cannot say. It's probably unwise to explain or clarify. It'll take long. But I have faith that someone somewhere in this unlimited universe actually understands these mixed inexplicable thoughts I have blended in my hollow brain, and actually accepts me and my thoughts for what they are - in their purest form. No bias, no judgment. Just pure, pure trust and approval.

If there was only two of me... I'd be my bestest friend.