I've Tried, I'm Tired.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013 @ 8:01 PM
I know I’m supposed to be frantically and urgently working on my
tutorial now but this whole hurricane of thoughts that inundated themselves on
me since two days back is a mountain crumbling and sinking in my heart, pulling
me down, down, down, and I really just cannot spend a proper moment not
distracted by them.
I thought that all these emotions were past tense, and that they’ve been
extinguished after these seven months of numbing. Like I’ve always assured
myself, Time Will Heal and memories and cravings will fade. But this feeling
for you just cannot seem to die. I’ve tried severing my emotions from myself,
reminding myself over and over again: Mind over Heart, Mind over Heart, the
Brain is your King. But it seems that the Brain doesn’t and cannot really
control every sense of our body that we experience.
All these while of numbing – has it really been just a cover-up? I know
that this that I have is most definitely not love (at least that I’m sure for
now), but what is this unidentifiable force that inevitably brings my mind to
you almost all the time? I often try to convince myself that this is just a
passing phase of infatuation, obsession, and is simply a crush.. but how long
more do I need to rid myself of these burdensome emotions?! I tell myself to
kill all these thoughts and desires, to ignore, to forget, to just deny, but
somehow…, every moment I sacrifice to do so absurdly strengthens those
involuntary feelings I have for you.
I NEED to stop wondering about just how brilliant that smile you have
is, how deep and thoughtful those unassuming eyes you have are, how quaint yet
humorous that mind of yours works, how strange yet uniquely appealing those
strides you take are, how cold yet warm your heart is, how your entire presence
just glows in the darkness, heats the freeze, ceases the storm, calm the
oceans, mobilizes the wind, breathes the suffocation, and yet electrifies the
lightning, conducts the thunder, lights the moon, burns the Sun, shoots the
stars.
I NEED to stop thinking about just how amazing a person you are because
if I don’t, I just can’t get on with life normally, anymore.