Lesson for the broken hearted
Monday, November 10, 2014 @ 1:09 PM
Had a rather fruitful and insightful conversation with a church friend yesterday. I guess ponderance alone all these while could only reap a limited amount of understanding, and I'm really glad that through verbalizing my thoughts to another person, I've found some sort of light shed unto the issues that I'm facing.
I'd never thought that a relationship can be so complicated. Always assumed that once two have found each other, sparks flying, chemistry building, everything will somehow just fall into place. Of course I never expected that everything will be smooth-sailing and fight-free, but it is being in one that makes me truly discover what a bumpy ride it can be.
But what I really internalized from the discussion yesterday was that, as the female party of the relationship, it is more often that not that she gives herself in her entirety to the other half. Every single decision she makes in her life, large or trivial, is concluded with ultimate consideration of her partner. And every aspect of her schedule revolves around him, to just lift him up and make him the most comfortable and satisfied person that she can possibly make him. If there is anything on her mind, it always boils down to him and that's just completely natural. In fact, it's wonderful, in her eyes, to be thinking about him all the time.
But therein lies the creepy element of expectation. I never thought I was someone wielding a sword of expectation and placing it at the neck of my other half with every single act I do for him. And truly I view such a perspective with great disapproval, because it is honestly rather hateful to be the unreasonable and demanding partner of a person. It's torturous and debilitating for both sides. But after all these while I do think, upon deep reflection and contemplation, that I might have unconsciously and secretly imposed such expectations on him. With every extra mile I go out of the way to serve him and better him, I think I might have inevitably hoped or anticipated that he would at least respond with a certain type or level of joy or appreciation. Just so I'd feel loved, just so I'd gain approval -- from the person I love so deeply. It's the little things like knowing that that someone actually knows of your efforts, your hard work, your awareness of his needs, and that your time and thoughts are translating into actual goodness, that makes me feel like I'm worth it. That whatever I do isn't futile or even worse, superfluous. I realized, actually since quite some time ago, that I absolutely despise feeling like a nuisance. I hate being a burden or trouble of any form, and with special regards to me actively doing an act that turns out to be unnecessary and just a total hindrance to someone else, I become exceptionally hurt and annoyed with myself. Unfortunately, when such feelings arrive, I transpose them to my other half too. Somehow the feelings start to target him, and I begin to question why things that I do out of goodwill and voluntary kindness are not only unappreciated by him, but treated with such disdain and unacceptance. It's as if the pureness and joy that motivated my actions are suddenly thought by him to be tainted with ill intent on my part. And it's that feeling that hurts most. Feeling misunderstood. Having my actions misconstrued.
Thoughts accumulate and each passing moment gets shittier, crappier -- and he doesn't know it. Because I try to be kind. I try to be understanding and patient, to sweep such thoughts away because I know that what I'm presuming is false. That he completely doesn't intend for me to feel this way. That guys, being guys, are just naturally more abrasive, passive in expression, insensitive....or maybe I'm just over-sensitive. And perhaps, I just expect more..., too much. Yet I feel horrible. He does not understand that I don't do things for him out of habit, out of selfish love for myself, out of personal satisfaction. He does not know that every single thing I do for him I plan to the most minute detail every single time, and that I care for him exceedingly more than I care for myself. He does not know that for each act I do, I do with special attention. These aren't routines, habitual acts that have somehow integrated into my schedule. They aren't like brushing my teeth in the morning, or cleaning my spectacles every evening. They aren't things that I do out of necessity, or personal gratification. Most importantly, they aren't acts of convenience... I most definitely do them for my benefit, because making him feel cared for and really caring for him makes me happy. But ultimately, it's being sure that he is alright, that the various aspects of his life are well and secured, that makes me feel that the day is complete.
But much as I'm willing to continue working and giving behind the scenes, it honestly sucks to feel insignificant. To be taken for granted. To be part and parcel of a cycle of events that happen daily or weekly. To be present but not important. To just be there.. I really feel that because I've been giving constantly, consistently, at a maximal level all the time, I have slowly faded into the background of a once lovely and fresh foreground. It's like the second hand of the clock that keeps ticking such that only the minute or hour hands get noticed.
But here is where I guess it is appropriate to finally insert and share what I learnt and understood from the discussion from yesterday -- that to love is to be selfless. Love is selfless. For Jesus loved us all and never expected anything from us in return. Even in times of pain and the subject of hatred, He gave and gave and finally gave His life for us. In love, we do not think about ourselves. Nothing about how we feel about the other party's responses, reciprocation, presence of thankfulness. Because once we turn our minds to that, we start thinking about what we, personally, deserve -- i.e. feeling appreciated, feeling accepted, feeling like we have contributed. Love is completely, fully, wholeheartedly selfless. Even if we have given our all every single day, we do not hope, even the slightest bit, for anything in return. We must avoid planting that seed of hope in our hearts at all costs, because hope culminates in expectation, and expectation kills all purity in selfless love. I've learnt that not only is love selfless. But love is also kind. Immensely kind. In face of any sort of reaction or treatment by the other party, we return with kindness. Loving kindness that exceeds all understanding. Kindness breeds patience and endurance. And even though we feel unloved or uncared for, we continue to treat our partners with loving kindness. It is through a complete removal of expectation that we erase any possibility of ever feeling hurt, and it is though a perpetual giving of kindness that we can truly love to the fullest.
So the most invaluable point I've taken home was that, truly, Love = Selflessness. I can never and must never proclaim to love a person if I'm not selfless. And the resolution that I've sought to make is to stop feeling negative emotions that only destroy me everyday, but feel happy for being able to love and sacrifice for someone who means the world to me, even if he does not know the thoughts of my mind.