The longer you know someone, the more you know him,

the harder you try to understand him, the more determined you fight to accomodate him, the more insistent you are to defend him, the more you wish he'd see what you're doing for him.

the less you dare to expect of him, the meeker your heart is in questioning him, the milder you force your heart to feel anything, the weaker your strength to live for things that aren't him.

Yet it's time through troubled waters and lonely night skies that I learn to find myself again. When was the last time I stopped in my tracks to do something not for him but for myself? If status quo has been so insignificant for him, why continue? It's pointless; I'm worthless. All these while I believed so deeply that I was making a difference, changing his life for the better, but guess everything boils down to nil. He doesn't need me. Much less want. In his life I am merely a distant cloud, floating inconspicuously in the backdrop. If there's any impact this cloud makes, it's probably to provide a little bit of shade to the sunny day. A little. Nothing extraordinary. This is the way it is.

Took me some time to realize all these. Funny how it never occurred to me why feelings of inferiority and unworth always engulf me. So this is what happens when one gets too committed. Too absorbed. Too dedicated. Two. Two? Not really at all. Just one. One and a fraction.

I need to find the rest of me. Retrieve myself before I get lost, permanently. Please Lord, guide me and show me Your way.